My Struggles With Confidence

I have lost confidence in myself.  For the last five years my confidence level has consistently dropped.  I was not always like this.  Most of my life I exuded confidence and was confident.  School came easy, I had a great childhood, built a good career as a teacher, was married with three great kids, but there was something going on.  I was slowly losing control of the situation.

The economy went bad, but being a tenured teacher I was fairly safe; however, all of the extra work I relied on—teaching night school, working for ETS as a test question writer, and teaching some online classes—simply faded away as budget cuts were made.  Soon I could not make the mortgage payments on my house.  The fact that I never said “no” to those I love when they wanted to spend money left a huge credit card debt that was out of control.  The tension caused family and marital strife.  I don’t like confrontation in the family so I just shut up and numbed out.

By numb out I mean I started drinking.  At first just weekends but soon every night.  I was drinking a lot.  It was the only thing to numb the pain, the feelings of failure as we moved to a rental as the house went deeper and deeper underwater.  I love my kids more than my life but it wasn’t enough to stop me.  That comfortable numbness got me through.  I knew the only way I was going to stop was to experience a life changing event.

That event happened in the middle of February of 2012.  I got ill and was diagnosed with severe liver damage.  I stopped drinking but four days later was hospitalized and nearly died in the ER.  Doctors were gently preparing my wife and family for my eventual death.  My life was turned upside down.  I don’t think anyone believed I had stopped drinking and the ER visit was the result of a binge.  Well, it wasn’t. 

I found out after seeing a specialist that I have a genetic flaw that was triggered by the years of drinking.  In fact, I had only moderate liver damage but was suffering from “alcoholics” or an inflamed liver.  The easiest part of the experience was stopping the drinking.  I had and still have no desire to drink.  That night in the ER was a spiritual event for me.  I truly believe God looked down at me and said, “Rob you’re not done yet.  I still got some stuff for you to do.”  Recuperating from the experience physically has been a long and slow process.  My body still aches in the morning, my endurance and strength are limited, and I have to be watchful of my blood pressure (although it’s better since I stopped drinking) and sugar. 

Emotionally, it has been hard too.  I did get to go back to work, but somehow things seem different.  I still feel like I let people down.  On the other hand, I am starting to live and do things I want to do.  Blogging and taking this course are two examples.  I do not take life for granted and I ignore the silly stuff and try to stay focused on happiness.  Other than writing a poem called “Broken” I have never discussed my struggles like I have in this piece.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” - Anonymous